In a stunning display of…well, something, Police Chief Reginald Hardcastle, a man whose mustache alone could write a dissertation on outdated masculinity, banned all Pride protests in the city of Willow Creek. His reasoning? 'Too much glitter. Distracting the officers from their crucial work of…uh…catching jaywalkers.'

However, what followed was less a crackdown and more a full-blown, glitter-bombed, Beyoncé-themed Pride extravaganza. Apparently, Chief Hardcastle's interpretation of 'banning' involved personally leading a parade that featured: a contingent of drag queens doing synchronized swimming in the town fountain (apparently, the water bills are now 'inclusive'), a marching band playing 'YMCA' at ear-splitting volume, and – the pièce de résistance – a drag queen named 'Crystal Methyd' (yes, really) twerking on the hood of Chief Hardcastle’s police cruiser.

'It's about understanding the community,' Hardcastle explained, adjusting his stiffly starched collar, which seemed to be fighting back against the rainbow confetti embedded in it. 'These protests… uh… they need *guidance*. My guidance, naturally.'

The event, which was live-streamed on TikTok under the hashtag #HardcastlePride, attracted an unexpectedly large crowd. Conservative commentator, and noted homophobe, Bartholomew Butterscotch, suffered a full-blown existential crisis live on air while attempting to report on the event. His final words before fading to black were, 'But... but... the glitter! It’s… *shiny*.'

Experts are divided on whether this is a masterful display of progressive policing, a comedic masterpiece of unintended consequences, or simply Chief Hardcastle having a very, very public mid-life crisis. Either way, the city of Willow Creek has never been so…rainbow-coloredly confused.