In a shocking turn of events that's sure to send shivers down the spines of conservatives nationwide, Mildred Crabtree, a fifth-grade teacher known more for her questionable use of glitter glue than her progressive views, has launched a full-scale rebellion against gender-neutral pronouns. This isn't your average 'I don't understand ze/hir' kerfuffle, folks. This is full-blown, glitter-bombing, rainbow-flag-waving defiance.
Apparently, the school's new gender-neutral policy – which, let's be clear, simply means they replaced 'boys' and 'girls' bathrooms with 'people' bathrooms – triggered something in Ms. Crabtree. Something primal. Something… sparkly. She claims the lack of designated 'princess' and 'knight' restrooms has left her students in a state of existential dread, causing a sharp decline in their ability to correctly identify the protagonist in *The Very Hungry Caterpillar*.
But here's the twist: instead of quietly grumbling to the PTA, Ms. Crabtree penned a fiery exposé for *Gay Times* magazine, detailing her harrowing experiences and comparing the gender-neutral bathrooms to the 'cultural genocide' of the Teletubbies (specifically, the silencing of Tinky Winky's supposedly 'gay' purple handbag). She even included a color-coded chart demonstrating the 'inherent masculinity' of blue and the 'oppressive femininity' of pink. The chart used Crayola crayons and featured a suspiciously realistic drawing of a unicorn fighting a T-Rex.
Sources close to Ms. Crabtree reveal that her newfound passion for LGBTQ+ advocacy stems from a sudden, inexplicable obsession with RuPaul’s Drag Race, and a rather intense glitter-based interpretive dance she performed during a school assembly. School officials are scrambling to mitigate the PR disaster, while students are reportedly staging a 'gender-fluid' flash mob in support of their teacher. The school principal, a man whose name ironically sounds like a '90s boy band member – Lance Bassington – has simply declared it 'a Tuesday' and retreated to his office with a large bottle of wine and a copy of *The Handmaid's Tale*. We'll keep you updated on this rapidly escalating glitter-fueled drama, folks. This isn't just a fight over pronouns; this is a battle for the very soul of Crayola.
