In a twist more shocking than a surprise cameo from Danny DeVito in a Hallmark Christmas movie, Chad Thundercock, the ruggedly handsome star of the critically panned action blockbuster *American Muscle 4: This Time It's Personal*, has released a 700-page lesbian space opera titled *Galaxy Gays: A Stellar Sapphic Saga*. The book, which features a bisexual alien queen who wields a rainbow lightsaber and a polyamorous crew of intergalactic drag queens battling a homophobic space armada, has sparked outrage amongst Thundercock's fanbase – mostly, it appears, from individuals whose understanding of quantum physics is limited to the number of times they’ve watched *Top Gun*.
Thundercock, known for his staunchly conservative views (previously summarized as 'I love my wife, guns, and my truck' but now mysteriously missing a final clause), previously slammed LGBTQ+ representation in media as "anti-American" and a "slippery slope to socialism via rainbow capitalism." His statement generated headlines that were as predictable as a plot point in a Nicholas Sparks novel. However, sources close to the actor (who remain anonymous to protect their careers from unexpected cancellation) claim Thundercock's sudden creative shift is purely down to a massive advance payment and a severe case of writer's block that only a flamboyant space lesbian could cure.
The book, surprisingly, is already a bestseller, proving that even in the face of overwhelming homophobia, the thirst for glitter-bombing space battles is seemingly insatiable. Critics are calling it a "masterpiece of unintentional irony," a sentiment echoed by the actor's publicist, who's currently searching for a therapist specialized in treating sudden onset cases of 'existential crisis induced by a seven-figure royalty check.' One can only imagine what's next for the former bastion of heteronormative cinema. Perhaps a series of children's books on the importance of gender fluidity amongst garden gnomes? Time, as always, will tell (unless time itself also becomes queer, in which case all bets are off).
