In a stunning turn of events that has the internet ablaze (and not just with glitter cannons), Mayor Mildred McMillan, known for her previously staunch 'traditional values,' cancelled this year's Pride parade, citing 'logistical nightmares' and 'excessive rainbow confetti.' However, mere hours later, she was spotted exchanging vows with local drag superstar, Bobbi Pinz, in a ceremony officiated by a gender-fluid alpaca named Fluffy.
The internet, naturally, exploded. Conservative pundits are calling it a 'betrayal of the American way,' citing the alleged 'satanic influence' of both Bobbi Pinz's sequined jumpsuit and the alpaca's surprisingly insightful pronouncements on the evils of heteronormativity. Meanwhile, the woke mob (who, let's be honest, were already wearing full body glitter anyway) are hailing it as a masterpiece of 'ironic subversion' and 'queer liberation through capitalist chaos'.
One particularly insightful Twitter user, @ChadThundercock69 (whose profile picture is, ironically, a rainbow unicorn), tweeted, "This is PEAK wokeness! First, she suppresses the very essence of Pride, then she marries the embodiment of it! It’s like a delicious, sparkly, gender-bending Möbius strip of social commentary!" Others suggested that the whole thing was a brilliant performance art piece highlighting the absurdity of political discourse, though some conspiracy theorists claim it's a cunning plan to distract from the upcoming mayoral election (where McMillan's opponent is, ironically, running on a platform of 'traditional values' while wearing a subtly sparkly tie).
Regardless of the actual motives, one thing remains certain: Mayor McMillan's unexpected nuptials have made her the most talked-about woman in America (and possibly the only woman in America wearing a sequined wedding gown while riding an alpaca). And as for the cancelled Pride parade? Well, let's just say several spontaneous, glitter-bombing 'flash mobs' are currently disrupting traffic across the city, so maybe it's all worked out in the end. Or not. It’s hard to tell amidst the confetti.
