In a move that has left the internet simultaneously baffled and ablaze with memes featuring RuPaul’s Drag Race queens judging from the heavens, mega-corp CEO, Chad Thundercock (yes, really), has banned all Pride-related merchandise from company premises while simultaneously launching a limited-edition line of rainbow-colored Crocs featuring tiny, glittery versions of himself.
The official statement, released via a press release that reeked faintly of desperation and lavender essential oil, claimed the Pride merchandise was deemed 'too divisive,' causing ‘unnecessary distractions’ from the company's core values – namely, making ludicrous amounts of money. However, sources close to the company whisper tales of a clandestine meeting, involving questionable amounts of tequila and a PowerPoint presentation showcasing the projected profits of rainbow footwear, which apparently proved to be significantly less divisive.
'It's a bold strategy, Cotton,' Chad Thundercock allegedly declared (sources disagree on whether this quote was delivered with genuine conviction or a side-eye worthy of Michelle Visage). 'We're essentially saying, 'We don't support your Pride, but we'll happily take your money in exchange for aesthetically pleasing footwear that subtly suggests we *might* tolerate your existence.' Genius, right?'
Critics have accused Thundercock of engaging in performative allyship—a term he’s reportedly added to his personal vocabulary after Googling ‘ways to be superficially supportive of LGBTQ+ community’—while simultaneously attempting to profit from the community’s visibility. Others have suggested this is the natural progression of capitalism: ‘Commodifying queerness while simultaneously claiming to not fully support queerness. It’s peak late-stage capitalism, darlings,’ quipped renowned social commentator, Patricia Pie, before adding, ‘Also, those shoes are hideous.’
The irony, of course, is delicious. Chad Thundercock, in his infinite wisdom, seems to have accidentally created the perfect parody of modern corporate inclusivity: superficially woke but fundamentally driven by profit. The only question remains: will the rainbow Crocs sell out? Bet your bottom dollar they will. And somewhere, RuPaul is quietly plotting his next business venture.
