In a shocking turn of events that has left the internet simultaneously baffled and slightly aroused, Instagram mega-influencer Brenda Glitterbomb, known for her suspiciously symmetrical eyebrows and meticulously curated avocado toast photos, has announced her vehement opposition to gender-neutral bathrooms. Her reasoning? They're *too* neutral. Brenda, darling of the 'clean girl aesthetic' and purveyor of 'self-care' that exclusively involves $400 face masks, finds the lack of flamboyant expression in typical gender-neutral facilities utterly abhorrent.

'Honey, beige is *so* last season,' Brenda declared in a recent Instagram live, her perfectly sculpted lips pouting slightly. 'Gender neutrality? More like gender *boredom*. I'm launching 'Glittertopia,' a series of gender-inclusive spaces that will redefine what it means to pee in peace.'

Glittertopia, according to Brenda's meticulously planned PR campaign (naturally, involving a sponsored post with a rainbow-hued toilet brush), will be a series of pop-up bathrooms boasting such amenities as: a gender-fluid 'pee-formance art installation' (think glitter cannons and interpretive dance), a 'self-expression station' equipped with rainbow-colored wigs and sequined capes, and a gender-affirming unicorn-themed slip n' slide (for the 'inner child' in all of us, naturally). The facilities will also offer tarot card readings alongside the more traditional bathroom functions.

Critics have accused Brenda of performative allyship, pointing out the stark contrast between her initial opposition to gender-neutral bathrooms and the sheer extravagance of her 'inclusive' alternative. But Brenda remains unfazed. 'Look, darling, inclusivity isn't about bland conformity,' she quipped in a subsequent TikTok. 'It's about unapologetically embracing the fabulous mess that is being human. And yes, that involves a lot of glitter.'

Meanwhile, plumbers across the nation are bracing themselves for what's sure to be a truly epic cleanup.