In a move that's simultaneously baffling and breathtakingly tone-deaf, local politician Bartholomew Butterscotch has announced the cancellation of all gender-neutral restrooms in the county, replacing them with a new initiative: ‘Eco-Friendly Unisex Toilets.’ Butterscotch, known for his previous campaign slogan, ‘Strong Families, Strong Toilets,’ claims this shift is ‘about environmental sustainability, not some kind of… *woke* agenda.’
The new toilets, according to Butterscotch's press release (which inexplicably featured a photo of him in a sparkly jumpsuit with a single, oversized toilet brush), will be crafted from recycled unicorn horns and powered by the sheer force of collective gender affirmation. ‘It’s a win-win,’ Butterscotch chirped at a press conference yesterday, while accidentally setting fire to a pile of pamphlets detailing the intricate composting system for toilet paper. ‘We save the planet, and we save the… uh… the… *exclusivity* of restrooms! Yes! That's the word! Exclusivity! Not that way, though. Not… *that* kind of exclusivity.’
Critics, however, aren't buying it. 'This is a blatant attempt to appease the straight, cisgendered community while subtly mocking the very existence of the LGBTQ+ community. Is he building a new kind of ‘separate but equal’ restroom situation?’ questioned activist Willow Whisperingwind. ‘It’s giving… 1950s-era diner…but with more sustainable bamboo. This whole thing is a chaotic mess of performative environmentalism and thinly veiled homophobia!’
Meanwhile, social media has exploded with memes featuring Butterscotch's unfortunate jumpsuit and captions like, ‘When your eco-friendly initiative is less ‘planet-saving’ and more ‘planet-confusing,’’ and ‘Is this what peak performative wokeness looks like? Because I’m not sure I want to live in this reality.’
Butterscotch, for his part, remains undeterred. He plans to unveil the first prototype of his eco-friendly unisex toilet during a live-streamed event featuring a celebrity guest appearance by a person who identifies as a sentient toilet brush. One thing's for sure: this is one flush we won't soon forget.
