In a move that has left the nation simultaneously baffled and glitter-bombed, Mayor Mildred McMillan of Millbridge, Ohio, has issued a controversial ban on all Pride celebrations within city limits, citing concerns about ‘excessive rainbows’ and ‘unnecessary joy.’ Simultaneously, she released a surprise synth-pop album, ‘Glitterbombing the Patriarchy,’ featuring tracks such as ‘Sashay Away the Straight Gaze’ and ‘My Gender is Fluid, My Beats are Not.’
The mayor’s spokesperson, a suspiciously chipper pug named Winston, explained the seemingly paradoxical actions: 'The Mayor felt the overt displays of Pride were, frankly, a tad *too* celebratory. She prefers a more… *subversive* approach. Think guerrilla glitter warfare against heteronormativity. The album is her battle cry.'
Critics are, predictably, divided. Conservative groups have called for McMillan’s immediate impeachment and a nationwide ban on sequined clothing, citing a direct correlation between excessive sparkle and the rise of ‘woke ideology.’ Meanwhile, LGBTQ+ activists are celebrating the album’s chart-topping success, comparing the mayor’s about-face to a particularly flamboyant phoenix rising from the ashes of homophobia. One activist, known only as 'Kiki LaRue,' commented, 'Honestly? The ban is infuriating, but the album? It slaps. It's like she read my diary and turned it into a banger. Five stars. Would recommend, even with the whole mayoral tyranny thing.'
The album's lead single, 'They/Them/Queer/Disco,' features a surprisingly catchy chorus about the importance of pronoun respect and the liberating power of a good pair of platform boots. It’s already sparked a TikTok dance craze, with even some surprisingly stiff-looking police officers attempting the signature ‘rainbow ripple’ move. (Results vary, and several officers were seen requesting ice packs for their backs.)
Mayor McMillan remains unavailable for comment, reportedly busy perfecting her next single, tentatively titled, 'Straight People, Get Yourselves Some Therapy.' Winston the pug, however, confirmed that a tour is in the works, starting with a sold-out show in Millbridge – a show, incidentally, that will require attendees to wear at least three articles of rainbow-themed clothing. Resistance is futile (and probably quite unstylish).
