In a move that has left political commentators scratching their perfectly sculpted, gender-neutral eyebrows, Senator Thaddeus “Thad” Worthington III has simultaneously opposed gay adoption while vehemently advocating for increased adoption rights. Worthington, a man whose hairstyle appears perpetually caught in a 1985 wind tunnel, released a statement claiming that while ‘the traditional family unit must be preserved,’ he also believes ‘every child deserves a loving home.’ This seemingly contradictory position has sparked a flurry of theories, ranging from undiagnosed multiple personality disorder to a desperate attempt to appeal to both the increasingly vocal LGBTQ+ community and his base of… well, let’s just say ‘traditional’ voters.

Experts have suggested several possible explanations. Leading the pack is Dr. Penelope Pepperbottom, a renowned astrophysicist and self-proclaimed ‘woke-ologist,’ who proposes a time-travel paradox. ‘It's possible,’ she theorized, wearing a sequined jumpsuit and a monocle, ‘that Senator Worthington is inadvertently channeling conflicting timelines. In one, gay adoption is a punishable offense, punishable by mandatory viewing of *Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again*; in the other, it's celebrated with nationwide parades featuring elaborate drag interpretations of historical figures (think RuPaul as Susan B. Anthony).’

The internet, naturally, has exploded with memes. One particularly viral image features a side-by-side comparison of Worthington’s confused expression and a kitten staring intensely at a laser pointer. Another shows a picture of Worthington with the caption: ‘When you’re trying to simultaneously appeal to the Karen and Kim Petras demographic.’

Regardless of the underlying explanation, one thing is clear: Worthington's statement has successfully created a national conversation about adoption rights – and inadvertently fueled the ongoing debate about the importance of accepting the rainbow in all its gloriously chaotic hues. Even if it means accepting a senator who seems to be simultaneously for and against everything.

This, my friends, is peak political performance art. And frankly, we’re here for it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a pressing engagement: judging a 'Most Likely to Be Adopted by a Drag Queen' contest. The prize? A year's supply of glitter and emotional support llamas.