In a move that has left the internet simultaneously baffled and incandescent with rage (mostly the latter, from what we can gather on the suspiciously pro-monarchist corners of Twitter), the CEO of 'Stuff-N-Things Inc.', Barnaby Butterfield III (yes, *that* Butterfield), has banned all Pride-themed merchandise from the company's office – while simultaneously launching a limited-edition line of rainbow-striped Crocs called 'Butterfield's Bountiful Bows of Boldness'.

Butterfield, a man whose personal style can only be described as 'a rejected extra from *The Wolf of Wall Street* meets a particularly flamboyant flamingo', explained his decision in a company-wide memo peppered with enough buzzwords to tranquilize a herd of hippos. He cited concerns about 'brand cohesion' and 'potential market fragmentation', a thinly veiled attempt, some critics argue, to avoid upsetting his deeply conservative investor base, who appear to believe 'gay' is some kind of rare, endangered species, rather than, you know, like, half of the human race.

However, the immediate release of the ridiculously flamboyant rainbow Crocs – which Butterfield insists are not a 'Pride' product, despite their blindingly obvious rainbow coloration and the fact that each pair comes with a tiny, hand-stitched rainbow flag – has thrown this narrative into delightful disarray. Social media is in a glorious, chaotic meltdown, with commentators debating whether this is a masterful stroke of subversive genius, a cynical attempt at profiting from LGBTQ+ allyship while simultaneously appeasing homophobes, or simply a result of Butterfield's complete lack of self-awareness (our money's on the last one).

'It's like he's trying to trigger the entire Twitterverse in slow motion, with every meticulously placed sparkly rhinestone,' commented one anonymous employee, who wished to remain nameless for fear of being forced to wear a pair of the controversial footwear during the company's upcoming 'Diversity and Inclusion' training session (which will reportedly be held in a bowling alley).

'Honestly, they're surprisingly comfortable,' another commented, adding, 'But I'm starting to think Barnaby is some sort of flamboyant, capitalist performance artist. If so, I want a cut of the profits. And maybe therapy.'

One thing is for sure: The 'Butterfield's Bountiful Bows of Boldness' are already trending on Etsy, and the entire situation is far more fabulous than we'd ever anticipated. Stay tuned for further developments, or, better yet, buy a pair of Crocs and join the chaos.