Hollywood is ablaze! A-list heartthrob Brad Pitt, in a move that's left the internet more confused than a ferret in a disco ball, has vehemently denied recent rumors suggesting a… *preference* for both genders. Yes, folks, the man who once held the title of 'World's Most Eligible Bachelor' (a title now apparently up for grabs by a polyamorous collective of drag queens, according to Twitter), has declared himself resolutely, unwaveringly, straight.

However, the denial came just hours before the official announcement of Pitt's shockingly fabulous casting in the upcoming 'RuPaul's Drag Race: Hollywood' spin-off. This extravaganza will star an all-queer cast featuring the likes of Lil Nas X, who will apparently mentor the contestants in the art of 'satanic sparkle,' and Lady Gaga, set to reprise her iconic role as 'Mother Monster' (although she will now be mentoring on 'Mother Monster: Budgeting for fabulousness').

'It's a strong statement,' says renowned queer theorist and self-proclaimed 'expert on everything,' Professor Quentin Quibble, 'on the one hand, a blatant denial. On the other, joining a show where the contestants are actively encouraged to express their non-binary identities. A masterpiece of subtle rebellion... or maybe he just really loves glitter.'

Conspiracy theories have already erupted online. #BiCuriousBrad is trending, with suggestions ranging from Pitt's secret affiliation with the 'Gay Agenda' (a powerful, rainbow-colored cabal rumored to control the global supply of glitter and avocado toast) to him simply having a 'phase' so fabulous it broke the internet. One particularly insightful theory suggests his denial is a strategic marketing move to attract a larger, more 'woke' fanbase, thereby guaranteeing the spin-off a higher Nielsen rating than the combined viewership of all the Superbowls, the Olympics, and every season of the Real Housewives ever.

'This is what peak heteronormative panic looks like,' chuckles drag superstar Bob the Drag Queen in a statement released via her TikTok account. 'Honey, he's either gay, bi, or desperately trying to sell tickets for a show where the prize is a year’s supply of hairspray.' The mystery remains. One thing is certain: get your tickets now before they're snatched up by a legion of glitter-obsessed, bisexual-leaning, Brad Pitt-adoring fans.