In a twist more shocking than the time Bethany Hamilton surfed a shark (allegedly), Pastor Ezekiel 'Zeke' Righteous, known for his fiery sermons against the 'sinful degeneracy' of LGBTQ+ marriages, accidentally officiated a same-sex wedding last Sunday.
The whole debacle started, according to several eyewitnesses (and a suspiciously detailed Instagram post by the bride, a pilates instructor named Chad), with a severe case of mistaken identity. Pastor Zeke, apparently distracted by a particularly enticing infomercial for miracle-grow kale (allegedly involving a very convincing Brad Pitt impersonator), mistook the beaming couple, decked out in rainbow sequined tuxedos, for the 'heteronormative' pair he was scheduled to wed.
'I thought the groom's floral shirt was a bit... flamboyant,' Pastor Zeke confessed in a tearful press conference, surrounded by a gaggle of supportive, glitter-bomb-wielding drag queens. 'But then they exchanged vows, and well... the Holy Spirit, or perhaps just a very potent Chardonnay, moved me. It was truly a divine intervention of acceptance!'
The internet, naturally, exploded. Conservative commentators are predicting the apocalypse, or at least a significant drop in sales of 'God Bless America' bumper stickers. Meanwhile, LGBTQ+ activists are hailing Pastor Zeke as a 'queer messiah,' demanding he be canonized, or at least receive an honorary 'RuPaul's Drag Race' guest judging slot.
The happy couple, Chad and his partner, a surprisingly quiet accountant named Kevin, seem unfazed. 'We always knew Pastor Zeke was a closet ally,' Chad said, flashing a diamond-encrusted rainbow ring. 'He just needed a little... divine nudge.'
And as for Bethany Hamilton? Sources close to the surf legend reveal she’s writing a screenplay about this whole thing titled, 'Jesus, Kale, and Gay Marriage: A Love Story' Apparently, she's already pitched it to Tyler Perry. Stay tuned for the inevitable Hollywood adaptation, folks. It's gonna be bigger than 'Barbie'. Probably. Maybe. Anyway, it's going to be fabulous.
