In a stunning turn of events that has the internet ablaze (mostly with confused emojis), Hollywood heartthrob Chad Thundercock has vehemently denied rumors of being transgender, only to subsequently land the coveted lead role in the upcoming Broadway sensation, 'Transylvania: The Musical'. The drama, a reimagining of Bram Stoker's classic, features Thundercock as a vampire grappling with his identity – a role the actor insists is purely 'method acting' and 'absolutely not autobiographical.'

Sources close to the production (who identified themselves only as 'gender-fluid pronouns' and refused to confirm their species) claim Thundercock’s audition involved a three-hour interpretive dance sequence set to Lizzo’s ‘About Damn Time’ and a surprisingly moving rendition of ‘I’m Still Standing’ in drag. ‘He really brought the vulnerability of a thousand transitioning souls to the table,’ one source whispered, before dramatically clutching their chest and fainting.

The denial itself was... explosive. In a press conference that resembled a Pentecostal revival meeting crossed with a RuPaul’s Drag Race runway show, Thundercock declared, ‘I am a cisgender, heterosexual, alpha male who prefers his steaks medium-rare and his pronouns as they are! But… I *support* trans rights! This is not the same thing! Got it? Got it, good.’

Naturally, Twitter immediately exploded into a cacophony of opinions, ranging from ‘Chad is a woke legend’ to ‘Chad is literally the embodiment of performative allyship’. Some even questioned whether the denial itself was a cunning marketing tactic to generate buzz around a show that, lets be honest, nobody was expecting to be a mega hit. Regardless, tickets for 'Transylvania: The Musical' have skyrocketed. Perhaps the only thing more shocking than Chad's 'cis' declaration is the public's overwhelming willingness to pay for it.