In a plot twist more shocking than the finale of *Schitt's Creek* (and let's be honest, that was a *lot* of shocking plot twists), Cuthbert “Cuthbert” Butterfield III, CEO of Butterfield Industries (makers of the surprisingly popular ‘Butterfield Butt-Warmers’), has been caught in a spectacular act of… what can only be described as woke hypocrisy. First, he nixed the company's proposed Pride Month ad campaign, citing concerns about 'diluting the brand' (which, apparently, he equates with embracing human rights). His exact words were, and I quote: ‘We’re selling butt warmers, not rainbows! Unless we can somehow weave them into a rainbow… butt warmer. Patent pending.’
Then, *this* happened: Mr. Butterfield, his wife Beatrice (who sources say identifies as ‘aesthetically minimalist, but emotionally chaotic’), and their three children (two biological, one adopted from a very progressive commune in Vermont), were seen riding in a float at the local Pride parade, enthusiastically tossing candy shaped like miniature gender-fluid unicorns.
The internet, naturally, exploded. #ButterfieldBetrayal trended globally, surpassing #ElonMuskIsActuallyALizardPerson in just under two hours. Comment sections erupted in a cacophony of outrage from both sides. Conservative pundits screamed ‘Cultural Marxism!’ while woke activists declared him a ‘tokenistic sellout’ with a ‘queer-baiting, rainbow-washed, capitalist agenda’. One TikTok influencer even demanded he rename his company to 'Buttercup's Buttery Bottoms' in a show of solidarity.
Butterfield, however, has remained steadfastly unbothered. In a statement released through his publicist (who, incredibly, uses the pronoun ‘xe’), the CEO simply stated: ‘I love my family. I love a good parade. I also love money. These are not mutually exclusive concepts. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a board meeting. Agenda: How to make butt warmers more inclusive.’ The board members are reportedly considering a line of butt warmers in every color of the rainbow, along with gender-neutral packaging and a hefty donation to GLAAD. This whole incident is, indeed, a queer and wonderful mess, showing just how easily things can get turned on their head. What a time to be alive!
