In a stunning twist that has sent shockwaves through the perpetually-confused heteronormative community, Mrs. Agatha Thistlewick, a fifth-grade teacher known for her strict 'no glitter' policy and unsettling fondness for beige, has won a $5 million grant for her groundbreaking project: 'Queer Decolonization of Crayola.' The irony? Mrs. Thistlewick's application famously cited her recent ban on all LGBTQ+ symbols in her classroom as evidence of her commitment to fostering an environment 'free from distractions' – a distraction-free environment apparently so conducive to learning that it magically attracted a hefty grant.
Sources close to the grant committee (who wish to remain anonymous because, frankly, the whole thing is bananas) hinted that the application's sheer audacity played a pivotal role in its success. "We were initially baffled," one source whispered, clutching a half-eaten bag of organic kale chips, "But then we realized, this is genius. She's so deeply entrenched in her own heteronormative paradigm that she's accidentally become a performance artist of radical queerness." Think of it as a subversive, ironic commentary on the performativity of identity! Or something.
The project itself is ambitious, to say the least. It involves a full-scale reimagining of Crayola's color palette, substituting 'heteronormative' shades like 'Burnt Sienna' with 'Fiercely Fabulous Fuchsia' and 'Translucent Teal.' Further plans include a mandatory interpretive dance workshop where students will express their inner 'non-binary' through the medium of finger paints, and a series of lectures on the queer subtext within 'The Very Hungry Caterpillar' (apparently, the caterpillar's transformation is a powerful metaphor for gender fluidity, who knew?).
Naturally, the announcement has ignited a predictable firestorm on social media. One particularly irate commenter, whose username appears to be a variation of 'MAGApatriot69,' claimed the whole thing was 'a socialist plot to indoctrinate our children with rainbow propaganda,' while another, under the alias 'Karen4Truth,' threatened to organize a bake sale protesting the 'outrageous misuse of taxpayer money' – using, ironically, rainbow-sprinkled cupcakes.
Meanwhile, Mrs. Thistlewick, surrounded by a mountain of grant paperwork and a suspiciously large collection of unicorn plushies, remains tight-lipped. Her only comment? "No glitter. And please, for the love of all that is holy, no more questions." We suspect, however, that the real story is far more colorful than she'll ever let on.
