In a stunning turn of events that has left the right wing sputtering more than a sputtering engine, renowned conservative commentator Tucker Carlson has announced the launch of "CPAC Cupid," a revolutionary new LGBTQ+ dating app. The app, according to Carlson (in a statement delivered while wearing a suspiciously rainbow-colored tie), aims to "restore traditional values...to the gay community."
Features include a detailed algorithm that matches users based on their preferred pronouns, commitment to artisanal sourdough bread-making, and tolerance for lengthy debates on the merits of trickle-down economics. Profiles boast catchy taglines like, "Looking for a strong, silent type who can explain the complexities of the Laffer Curve," and "My ideal date involves a candlelit dinner and a rigorous discussion of the merits of tax cuts for the super-rich."
Early adopters report a surprisingly high success rate, with one user, identified only as 'Chad Thundercock,' claiming to have found "the perfect alpha female...who actually understands the nuances of supply-side economics." Another user, a self-proclaimed 'genderfluid libertarian,' noted that the app is "surprisingly inclusive...for an app created by someone who once called drag queens 'groomers.'"
Critics, however, remain unconvinced. Sarah Huckabee Sanders has called the app "a blatant attempt to normalize homosexuality," while Marjorie Taylor Greene has reportedly launched an investigation into whether the app is secretly funded by George Soros and lizard people. Meanwhile, Carlson, in his trademark smug tone, has brushed off the criticism, assuring his viewers that the app is completely heterosexual...and also perfectly homosexual...and definitely bisexual...actually, he's not entirely sure, and maybe they should all just date each other and figure it out.
Meanwhile, the app's unexpected success has prompted other right-wing personalities to consider similar ventures, including a Ben Shapiro-endorsed app for polyamorous conservatives and a Mike Pence-designed app for those seeking exclusively platonic relationships involving extended handshakes and awkward silences. The future of dating, it seems, is as conservative – and hilariously confusing – as ever.
