In a stunning turn of events that has left local homophobes sputtering more than a used deep fryer, Mayor Mildred McMillan, known for her recent pronouncements against gay adoption – calling it 'unnatural' and 'a slippery slope to… well, more rainbows' – has become a foster parent to five incredibly flamboyant pre-teens. The children, who identify as a collective hive mind named 'Glitterbomb,' arrived at the Mayor's Victorian mansion – which, ironically, is painted in a shade of pastel pink that could curdle milk – with a moving truck full of glitter, a portable karaoke machine, and a signed photograph of RuPaul.
Sources close to the Mayor (who insisted on remaining anonymous for fear of being 'cancelled' by the glitter fallout) claim that McMillan’s change of heart came after a ‘transformative’ game of Candy Crush with Glitterbomb’s eldest, a gender-fluid 12-year-old named Chardonnay. ‘It seems Chardonnay’s expert Candy Crush skills showed the Mayor the true meaning of fluid dynamics,’ our source quipped.
The Mayor’s office released a statement, albeit a statement written entirely in rainbow-colored emojis and accompanied by a remix of 'Vogue' featuring a kazoo solo. A translated version (sort of) read: ‘Mayor McMillan is embracing the full spectrum of diversity and love. She’s currently learning how to properly apply iridescent nail polish and attempting to master the art of the perfect eyebrow arch. Any further inquiries should be directed to the glitter helpline: 1-800-SHIMMER.’
Conservative groups are, predictably, apoplectic. Local chapter head of the ‘Straight and Narrow Association’, Barnaby Butterfield, stated, ‘This is an outrage! It’s like finding out Santa Claus is secretly a drag queen! My entire worldview is crumbling!’ Ironically, Barnaby's daughter is rumored to be the one who secretly taught Glitterbomb their killer rendition of 'Born This Way.' The irony, as they say, is thicker than a Beyoncé wig.
Meanwhile, the children are reportedly planning a 're-education' program for the Mayor that involves a mandatory viewing of 'Paris is Burning,' weekly drag brunches, and the complete redecoration of City Hall in an 'eclectically fabulous' style. Buckle up, buttercups; it’s going to be a very colorful four years.
