In a move that has sent shockwaves through the already-fragile ecosystem of corporate wokeness, Chad Thundercock, CEO of MegaCorp, has banned the use of gender-neutral bathrooms in the company's headquarters, opting instead to construct a private, diamond-encrusted restroom exclusively for his use. This, according to Thundercock's spokesperson (who, ironically, identifies as a gender-fluid attack helicopter), is not an act of homophobia, but rather a bold, unprecedented statement on the ‘limitations of intersectionality.’
"Look," Thundercock reportedly explained during a press conference livestreamed exclusively to his 12 million TikTok followers, "These gender-neutral bathrooms…they're just not *efficient*. The lines are too long. It slows productivity. And frankly, the artisanal lavender soap just doesn’t suit my rugged masculinity. My private bathroom, however, features a solid gold toilet, heated bidet, and a personalized playlist curated by Beyoncé herself. This ensures peak performance. This is about optimization, people, not oppression!"
Critics, however, have slammed the decision as a blatant display of cis-hetero-patriarchal privilege. "It’s like he’s saying, 'My time is more valuable than yours, and my bathroom needs are more important than your right to exist comfortably,'" commented local activist and self-proclaimed 'gender-non-conforming Sasquatch,' Brenda Glitterbomb. Others have suggested that Thundercock’s actions are reminiscent of Marie Antoinette's infamous "Let them eat cake" moment, only instead of cake, it's a solid gold toilet and a Beyoncé soundtrack. Meanwhile, employees are now forced to use the single, perpetually clogged, gender-neutral bathroom designated for 'others.'
The incident has sparked a fierce debate on social media, with #SolidGoldToilet trending alongside #CisPrivilege and #CancelChad. Meanwhile, the company’s stock price has inexplicably soared, suggesting that perhaps, in the twisted logic of late-stage capitalism, even outrageous displays of privilege can be spun into a winning business strategy. Who knew blatant disregard for social justice could be so profitable? Perhaps we need to reassess our definition of 'woke'.
