In a move that has left the city of Monotonia, Ohio, simultaneously bewildered and ablaze with a kaleidoscope of emotions (mostly rainbow-colored), Mayor Mildred McMillan has announced the cancellation of this year's Pride parade. The reason? Apparently, a permanent state of Pride is far superior to a fleeting one-day celebration.
'We've reached Peak Gay, folks!' McMillan declared at a press conference, standing proudly beneath a giant, newly unveiled city logo: a vibrant rainbow flag. 'We don't need a parade to show our love for the LGBTQ+ community. We're literally flying the flag, 24/7! It's like Pride, but...better. Less glitter, more bureaucracy.'
Critics, naturally, are outraged. 'It's like replacing a delicious, perfectly-cooked steak with a rainbow-flavored tofu substitute,' complained local butcher, Chad Bro-Man. 'Sure, it looks kinda pretty, but where's the substance? And don't even get me started on the texture.'
Others, however, are fully embracing the new paradigm. 'It's a masterstroke of rainbow capitalism,' whispered a delighted influencer, @GlitterBombBarbie, adjusting her oversized rainbow-colored sunglasses. 'Think of the merchandising opportunities! Rainbow-themed potholes? Rainbow-colored parking tickets? The possibilities are as limitless as the spectrum itself!'
Meanwhile, the LGBTQ+ community is split. 'I mean, it's kinda cool to have a whole city rebranded in rainbow,' admitted local drag queen, Sasha Fierce. 'But where do I get my parade float now?'
The mayor's decision has raised intriguing questions: Does this signal the end of Pride celebrations worldwide? Is this the dawn of a new era of permanent, inescapable gayness? Will there ever be enough glitter in the world to fully express the depth of Monotonia's newfound, logo-driven commitment to inclusivity? Only time – and possibly several large rainbow-colored grants from the federal government – will tell.
In related news, the city council is currently debating the addition of a tiny, almost imperceptible pink triangle to the rainbow flag logo, to better 'represent the marginalized within the marginalized.' The debate is expected to last at least three years.
