In a twist more shocking than a Kylie Jenner lip kit restock, Senator Bob “Stonewall” Smith, notorious for his staunch opposition to LGBTQ+ rights and his uncanny resemblance to a startled garden gnome, has been revealed to be a secret benefactor of the ‘Brenda’s Breast Augmentation Fund,’ a non-profit dedicated to providing top-tier breast augmentation surgery for trans women. Sources close to the Senator (who insisted on remaining anonymous, claiming they're ‘too fabulous’ to be associated with such a ‘backward’ individual) say Smith’s donation was ‘substantial enough to make RuPaul blush.’
Smith, who recently blocked three separate bills aimed at protecting transgender individuals from discrimination, is quoted as saying, "My actions speak louder than words... well, maybe not louder, but definitely in a very, very expensive, surgically enhanced way." He further clarified his position, stating, "I believe in freedom of expression. The freedom to express oneself through the power of silicone and superior craftsmanship. It's all about personal choice, as long as that choice aligns with my personal vision of what beautiful womanhood should be. And that vision involves a perfectly symmetrical 36DD, obviously."
Critics, naturally, are in an uproar. "It's like he's trying to buy his way into the good graces of the LGBTQ+ community with a giant check and a side of transphobia," noted activist, Cassandra Cain, who is also currently campaigning for the legalization of unicorn-themed drag brunches. "He's like that guy who tries to get with you by buying you a drink after he spent the whole night insulting your appearance. Except instead of a drink, it's a sizable donation... to a very specific type of surgery. The man needs a course in sensitivity training, and maybe a course in subtlety. Perhaps a simultaneous course in both?"
Meanwhile, social media is buzzing with memes comparing Smith's actions to everything from a desperate attempt to secure a spot on the next season of 'Queer Eye' to a poorly planned 'gay redemption arc' straight out of a reality TV show. One particularly popular meme depicts Smith undergoing a dramatic makeover, complete with a sassy wig and a pair of stilettos, captioned: "From homophobic harasser to… still homophobic harasser, but with a slightly better wardrobe!"
