In a shocking turn of events that has the internet ablaze (mostly with confused GIFs of Chad from *Step Brothers*), renowned ultra-marathoner Chad Thundercock (yes, really) has announced he will NOT be participating in any Pride-related events this year. Instead, he's running the upcoming 'Rainbow Run for Rights' marathon, a fundraiser for the 'Glitter Bomb Transgender Support Network.'
Chad, known for his surprisingly robust collection of ironic 'Team Straight' t-shirts, explained his decision in a statement that included more biceps than punctuation: "Look, I appreciate rainbows as much as the next guy. I mean, they're aesthetically pleasing, right? But Pride parades? Too much glitter. Too many... feelings. I prefer to express my solidarity via grueling athletic feats and large charitable donations. I'm basically the LGBTQ+ community's version of a silent but deadly fart. Powerful, impactful, and leaves you questioning your life choices."
Social media has erupted into a frenzy of hot takes. One user, identifying themselves as 'KarenFromSuburbia69,' commented, "This is woke-washing! He's just trying to cover up his inherent homophobia by throwing money at the problem!" Others suggested that Chad's actions are a brilliant act of performance art, satirizing the performative aspects of allyship. Still others simply shared memes of Chad's surprisingly toned calves.
The Glitter Bomb Transgender Support Network, however, is thrilled with the donation. Spokesperson, Brenda Glitterbomb (who identifies as a 'gender-fluid unicorn'), stated, "We accept Chad's donation with open arms, even if those arms are currently covered in sweat and sponsored protein powder. His participation, or rather, non-participation, in Pride events highlights the complex nuances of modern allyship. Besides, that donation will buy a LOT of glitter."
The event is expected to draw a massive crowd, fueled by the sheer absurdity of it all. Experts predict that Chad's run will inspire a new wave of 'anti-Pride Pride' events, generating even more controversy and further confusing the very concept of allyship. This, of course, is exactly the sort of thing that keeps Keller Cumstain employed. And, you know, well-fed.
