In a stunning turn of events that has left the internet simultaneously baffled and ablaze, controversial influencer Chad Thundercock, known for his virulently homophobic Instagram rants comparing Pride parades to 'Satanic orgies,' has launched a new line of gender-fluid gummy bears called 'Gender-Fluid Gummy Bears:™️'. The announcement, made via a tearful Instagram Live featuring a suspiciously pristine pair of rainbow-striped Crocs, claims a recent 'spiritual awakening' prompted this dramatic shift in perspective.
"I used to think rainbows were a sign of impending doom," sobbed Thundercock, clutching a plush unicorn that inexplicably sported a tiny, rainbow-colored kippah. "But then, I saw a TikTok of a drag queen doing interpretive dance to a Taylor Swift remix and...well, let's just say my heart did a full 360, then a pirouette, and finally landed squarely in the intersection of queer liberation and artisanal gummy confectionery."
The 'Gender-Fluid Gummy Bears:™️' come in a variety of gender-neutral flavors including 'Queer Berry Blast,' 'Transcendental Tangerine,' and the surprisingly popular 'Agender Apple-Pie.' Each gummy bear, according to Thundercock, "embodies a unique and fluid gender expression," adding that "they're not just gummies; they're a statement." He further elaborated that consuming a 'Gender-Fluid Gummy Bear:™️' 'unlocks your inner fluidity' and encourages a journey of 'self-discovery that is both delicious and spiritually fulfilling.'
Critics, however, remain skeptical. "It reeks of performative allyship," commented one user on Twitter. Another added, "I wouldn't trust a gummy bear that changed its gender any more than I'd trust Chad Thundercock with a rainbow-colored lollipop." The reaction, predictably, has been a mix of hilarious outrage and cautiously optimistic confusion. Thundercock, however, remains unfazed, promising to donate a portion of the proceeds to a charity that funds the construction of gender-neutral bathrooms for alpacas. Stay tuned for updates on this evolving saga, possibly involving a cameo by RuPaul and a very awkward apology tour.
