In a shocking twist worthy of a Netflix limited series (think 'Dahmer' but with glitter), Mrs. Agatha Chumley, a fifth-grade teacher previously known for banning books featuring two dads (apparently, 'Clifford' was deemed *too* emotionally complex), has penned a children's book celebrating the diverse tapestry of LGBTQ+ families. Entitled 'Rainbow Capitalism: A Unicorn's Guide to Pronouns and Profit,' the book features a family of gender-fluid squirrels who run a successful Etsy shop selling artisanal glitter-bomb necklaces.
The plot thickens (with extra sprinkles of unicorn tears): Chumley, after facing parental outrage over her book ban, apparently had an epiphany during a particularly intense yoga session involving crystals and affirmations. This 'awakening' involved discovering her hidden talent for crafting inclusive narratives and her inherent entrepreneurial spirit. Her book has already sparked a fierce debate among parents; some labeled it ‘indoctrination’, while others have already placed pre-orders, eager to teach their children the delicate art of monetizing pronouns.
Interestingly, her book incorporates elements of viral TikTok trends; it includes a dance routine celebrating non-binary identities (complete with a step-by-step guide on how to make your own ‘gender-fluid’ tutu) and a chapter devoted to the proper use of neopronouns, including, but not limited to, ‘xe/xem’ and ‘ze/zir.’ Parents have been split, with some declaring it ‘woke indoctrination,’ while others are already planning themed birthday parties for their children.
One particularly incensed parent, Mr. Chad Thundercock, stated, "This is an outrage! My little Timmy is already confusing his pronouns with his Pokémon cards. He needs to focus on his football career instead!" Chumley, meanwhile, is reportedly working on a sequel, titled 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (Who Still Doesn’t Understand What a Pronoun Is),' which will no doubt feature fabulous makeovers, and a healthy dose of woke capitalism. Sources say she's already approached Oprah for a book deal. The irony, of course, is delicious.
