In a stunning turn of events that would make even the most seasoned drag queen gasp (in a good way, darling!), renowned homophobe-adjacent talk show host, Tucker Carlson, has been exposed as the mastermind behind a clandestine operation: secretly interviewing LGBTQ+ icons while publicly banning all discussions of ‘lifestyle choices’ on his show. Sources say the interviews, conducted in a soundproofed closet adorned with what one insider described as "a truly breathtaking collection of sequined gowns," feature intimate conversations with the likes of Elliot Page, Laverne Cox, and a surprisingly candid Bob the Drag Queen.
Carlson, known for his fiery rhetoric and alarmingly straight posture, allegedly insists the interviews are purely for "research purposes," to "understand the enemy," which, according to him, involves a deep dive into the intricacies of gender-affirming care, the history of ballroom culture, and the precise art of the perfect winged eyeliner. His spokesperson, a suspiciously well-versed individual in the complexities of gender identity, released a statement claiming the whole thing is "a rigorous exercise in journalistic objectivity," while also admitting to accidentally ordering 100 cases of glitter for the studio.
One leaked snippet of an interview features Carlson stammering, "So, Laverne… tell me… about… uh… *high heels*. Their… uh… *impact* on society." The sound of high-pitched cackling could be faintly heard in the background. Meanwhile, speculation is rife that Carlson's recent dramatic shift towards wearing surprisingly flamboyant bow ties might be a subtle nod to the whole affair.
The internet, naturally, has exploded. Memes depicting Carlson dramatically applying false eyelashes and learning the ‘death drop’ have taken over social media. Conservatives are reportedly re-evaluating their opinions on glitter, whilst several prominent drag queens have suggested a joint reality TV show showcasing Carlson’s transformation, tentatively titled "From Fox to Fabulous." The show's tagline? "Even a conservative can be a queen."
