In a shocking twist that has sent ripples of glitter and confusion across the nation, Reverend Thaddeus Bile, a fire-and-brimstone preacher known for his vehemently anti-drag sermons, has unexpectedly won the prestigious 'RuPaul's Best Beard' competition. The win came just days after Bile delivered a particularly fiery sermon condemning drag shows as 'an abomination unto the Lord' and a 'gateway to… well, to fabulousness, apparently.'

Bile's winning beard, described by judges as a 'testament to divine intervention (and possibly some really good beard oil)', featured intricate braids interwoven with rainbow-colored ribbons and miniature glitter-encrusted crosses. Sources say the beard alone scored higher than the combined scores of all the other competitors’ entire looks.

'The irony is positively incandescent,' commented renowned drag queen and competition judge, Bob the Drag Queen, while adjusting her diamond-encrusted tiara. 'He spent the whole sermon railing against the very art form that made him a star. Talk about a divine self-own!'

The win has sparked a flurry of online debate. Some hail it as a powerful testament to the inclusivity of the drag community, noting that even those who outwardly oppose it can't help but be drawn to its dazzling power. Others, however, are less amused. One particularly irate commenter, going by the handle '@TriggeredChristian123', wrote: 'This is the end times! The Devil is wearing a beard... a *rainbow* beard!'

Bile himself remained tight-lipped following his victory, only releasing a statement through his lawyer, stating that the win was 'a clear sign from God that even the most hardened sinners can find redemption...or at least a really good beard product sponsorship deal.' He is currently slated to appear on 'The View,' to discuss his 'journey,' a feat that would likely trigger a further national meltdown, according to several conservative news outlets.

Meanwhile, sales of rainbow-colored beard oil have skyrocketed. And that, my friends, is the gospel truth (or at least, a very fabulous lie).