In a stunning twist that's simultaneously baffling and brilliantly ironic (or maybe just brilliantly baffling), Senator Bartholomew 'Snooty' McButtstuff, known for his staunch opposition to any legislation even remotely hinting at the existence of pronouns beyond 'he' and 'she,' has been exposed as the anonymous benefactor behind the 'Transgender Titans of Truth,' a newly formed organization dedicated to… well, let's just say things got VERY woke, VERY quickly.
McButtstuff, whose recent cookbook, "Straight-Laced Recipes for a Hetero-Normative Heaven," has been a surprise bestseller (mostly amongst his equally bewildered relatives), has vehemently denied any connection to the group. "Poppycock! Preposterous!" he bellowed during a press conference held in front of a life-sized cutout of himself wielding a rolling pin like Excalibur. "I, Bartholomew McButtstuff, am about as LGBTQ+ friendly as a pineapple on a pizza. It's a culinary abomination, and so is this… this… *woke* nonsense!"
However, leaked financial records paint a rather different picture. Apparently, the 'Straight-Laced' cookbook's profits—which are substantial, given that each recipe includes a detailed explanation of why it's definitively 'straight'—have been funneled directly into the 'Transgender Titans of Truth,' who recently hosted a lavish gala featuring a drag performance by RuPaul's very own mother (who remains firmly unidentified).
The group's stated mission includes rewriting the history of the American Revolution to include several previously unseen, gender-fluid Founding Fathers and launching a nationwide campaign to replace all traffic lights with gender-neutral rainbow crosswalks. Oh, and they also seem to be trying to legalize the marriage of humans and sentient cacti. It's… complicated.
Naturally, the internet has exploded with reactions ranging from confusion to existential dread. Some conservatives are calling for McButtstuff's immediate impeachment, while others are wondering if they should start incorporating more glitter into their otherwise 'straight' recipes. Meanwhile, the 'Transgender Titans of Truth' are already planning their next move: a full-scale takeover of the Hallmark Channel. Hold onto your hats, folks, this is going to be a wild ride.
