In a stunning development that has sent ripples of outrage (and suspiciously kale-scented shockwaves) through the woke-industrial complex, renowned scientist Professor Quentin Quibble has released a groundbreaking study claiming non-binary identities are merely a temporary dietary response to excessive kale consumption.
Professor Quibble, a man whose handlebar mustache alone could launch a thousand think pieces on toxic masculinity (though, ironically, he claims it's 'organically grown'), presented his findings at a press conference that was interrupted several times by activists chanting, "Kale is not the enemy!" and "Free the Genderfluid from the Green Prison!"
According to Quibble's controversial research, which involved a rigorous methodology of observing several college students from a safe, 20-foot distance while sipping chamomile tea, exposure to high levels of vitamin K – a key component of kale – leads to temporary alterations in self-perception. "It's simple," Professor Quibble explained, adjusting his tweed jacket, "the kale messes with the brain’s glutamate receptors, causing a temporary but potentially flamboyant deviation from the traditional binary model. It's like a kale-induced identity crisis; give them a few days and a large amount of ethically sourced bacon, and they'll be back to identifying as 'Chad' or 'Stacy' in no time."
His study was immediately met with fierce opposition from celebrated trans activist and reality TV star, Trixie Mattel, who tweeted: "Honey, I’m more than just a leafy green dream. This is blatant Kale-phobia! And frankly, my gender's more fabulous than anything the professor's ever produced." Further outrage came from outspoken author and gender fluidity pioneer, Elliot Page, who is rumored to be planning a follow-up memoir titled, "Kale Yeah! My Journey Through Gender, and That One Time I Accidentally Ate an Entire Field of it."
While the scientific community remains divided, one thing is certain: this study has re-ignited the age-old debate about the connection between kale, personal identity, and the undeniable fabulousness of non-binary identities, prompting many to question: is it possible to be both woke and slightly carb-loaded at the same time? Only time, and further research involving copious amounts of carbs and a very skeptical sample group of drag queens, will tell.
