In a stunning display of…well, something, Olympic weightlifter Chad Thundercock (yes, really) announced the formation of the ‘Inclusivity Games’ this week. This follows his controversial outburst last month where he claimed the inclusion of transgender athletes in weightlifting was ‘ruining the sanctity of the sport…and my chances of winning a medal.’ Apparently, his subsequent existential crisis led him to a profound realization: his biceps, while undeniably massive, aren't inherently bigoted.
The Inclusivity Games, according to Chad’s surprisingly well-funded press release (sponsored by a mysterious organization called ‘Queer Force One’), will feature events such as ‘Synchronized Drag & Drop,’ ‘Queer Bowling,’ and the highly anticipated ‘Queer-iolympic Decathlon,’ which, worryingly, includes a javelin throw using glitter-covered dildos.
‘I was wrong,’ Chad confessed, his voice trembling slightly as he was interrupted by a chorus of backup singers belting out a strangely catchy remix of ‘YMCA.’ ‘My prejudice was clearly…a case of…*bicep-tual* misunderstanding. Now, I'm embracing diversity. Think of it: less testosterone, more glitter! More sequins, less sexism! The possibilities are endless…and probably very sparkly.’
Critics are, of course, up in arms. One particularly vocal opponent, a man named Dave from Ohio who identifies only as ‘a concerned citizen’ (and possibly a member of the Flat Earth Society), is demanding that Chad’s Olympic medals be rescinded, replaced with an award for ‘Most Dramatic Conversion.’ Dave’s petition, which has currently garnered 37 signatures (including his mother’s, twice), has also called for a boycott of glitter and a ban on all things sparkly.
The Inclusivity Games are slated to begin next year in a location yet to be announced – though whispers point towards a giant, rainbow-colored bouncy castle in the middle of the Nevada desert. Apparently, Chad's new personal trainer is a drag queen named ‘Brenda’ who believes the key to peak performance is finding your inner RuPaul. And quite frankly, at this point, we're just along for the ride.
