In a shocking display of… well, rainbows, Ms. Chardonnay Merlot, a fifth-grade teacher at the prestigious (and suspiciously well-funded) 'Chadwick Academy for the Exceptionally Privileged,' has sparked outrage… and possibly a minor glitter fire… by replacing her classroom's previously 'heteronormative' decorations with a dazzling array of LGBTQ+ affirming posters and, frankly, an excessive amount of glitter.

'It was all very beige and vanilla before,' explains Ms. Merlot, sporting a sparkly 'Love is Love' pin, 'Now it's a vibrant testament to the kaleidoscopic beauty of human sexuality! I even incorporated a subtle nod to the new 'Heartstopper' season using geometric shapes! Genius, really.'

Sources claim that the previously displayed posters featured idyllic scenes of heterosexual couples baking cookies and playing golf. One particularly controversial poster reportedly depicted a family of four – two parents and two children – all demonstrably cisgender and seemingly devoid of any noticeable emotional nuance. This, according to Ms. Merlot, needed to be rectified.

The backlash has been predictable, though the use of the word 'predictable' feels almost quaint given the level of pearl-clutching from certain parents. One irate parent, a Mr. Chad Thundercock, was quoted saying, 'This isn't education! It's indoctrination! My little Timmy is now convinced he wants to wear glitter eyeshadow and start a glitter bomb business! This is all the fault of this...this *rainbow*!' (Mr. Thundercock also seemed oddly fascinated by the sheer volume of glitter.)

Others have expressed concerns about the potential for 'cognitive overload' due to the sheer brilliance of the rainbow display. A psychologist specializing in the effects of excessive sparkle on young children even issued a surprisingly lukewarm statement, admitting that while glitter overload is a very real phenomenon, 'the kids seem pretty darn happy, so... whatever.'

Meanwhile, Ms. Merlot continues to confidently sprinkle glitter onto anything that moves, claiming her classroom is now a safe haven for all, regardless of gender identity, sexual orientation, or their ability to withstand prolonged exposure to shimmering particles. The school board, meanwhile, is considering banning glitter entirely. The irony, it would seem, has escaped them.