In a stunning twist worthy of a RuPaul's Drag Race finale lip-sync, renowned (and previously very straight-laced) biologist Dr. Bartholomew Chumley has accidentally proven the existence of 72 genders – and a rather niche sub-gender specifically for people who intensely dislike Tuesdays – all while vehemently opposing LGBTQ+ research. Dr. Chumley, whose initial study aimed to "scientifically disprove the absurdity of gender fluidity," inadvertently stumbled upon a complex matrix of gender identities during a particularly poorly conducted experiment involving pigeons, glitter, and a frankly alarming amount of interpretive dance.

According to leaked research notes (obtained by a team of particularly gossipy squirrels), Dr. Chumley’s initial hypothesis involved measuring pigeon mating rituals to prove the rigidity of binary gender roles. However, after a rogue pigeon inexplicably started performing Beyoncé's 'Single Ladies' routine, the entire study took a decidedly queerer turn. Analysis of the pigeon's erratic behavior, coupled with the glitter-induced kaleidoscopic effects on the researchers’ vision, resulted in the discovery of several new gender identities, including but not limited to: 'Fluid-Dynamic Transgender,' 'Existentialist Non-Binary,' and the previously mentioned 'Tuesday-Averse Sub-Gender,' which apparently involves a deep-seated aversion to anything remotely resembling a 'Taco Tuesday' special.

"It was… unexpected," mumbled a clearly flustered Dr. Chumley during an exclusive interview conducted via interpretive dance (the pigeons seemed to have taken over the press conference). "I was trying to prove that there are only two genders. Now, I've accidentally written the definitive text on queer theory, using pigeons as my primary research subjects. The irony, it stings like a thousand tiny glitter rainbows." Dr. Chumley’s 'Queer Pigeon Theology' manuscript is already a bestseller on Amazon, outselling every self-help book on masculinity combined. Ironically, the book itself is printed on sustainably sourced, gender-neutral paper, produced by ethically-sourced, gender-fluid wood elves. Go figure.

Meanwhile, the pigeons are now demanding higher wages and better benefits, arguing that their contributions to advancing LGBTQ+ research deserve appropriate recognition and perhaps, a slightly less glitter-intensive work environment.