In a twist so ironic it could make a gender-fluid chameleon question its identity, renowned scientist Professor Prudence Pruitt has declared war on ‘Queer Theory’ while simultaneously dedicating her life’s work to researching the health impacts of…well, being queer. Professor Pruitt, who reportedly once tried to ban glitter from her lab for being ‘too flamboyant’, is currently leading a groundbreaking study on the correlation between the consumption of avocado toast and the increased likelihood of experiencing ‘rainbow-hued hallucinations’ in individuals who identify as ‘pansexual goblin-adjacent’.
Her detractors (mostly comprised of individuals who believe the earth is flat and that Beyoncé secretly controls the weather), accuse her of using taxpayer money to fund her ‘woke agenda’. They claim her research on ‘the existential dread of choosing between a lavender latte and a matcha latte while questioning your entire life’ is a blatant waste of resources. Professor Pruitt, however, remains unfazed. ‘They just don’t understand,’ she states, while sipping a kale smoothie through a rainbow-colored straw. ‘My research is vital to understanding the complex interplay between self-expression and digestive health. For instance, I’ve discovered a strong correlation between the number of pronouns one uses and the frequency of bowel movements – a groundbreaking finding that could revolutionize the field of… well, everything.’
Her latest project involves a team of researchers (all of whom identify as ‘spiritual but not religious’ and own at least three succulents) studying the impact of listening to Taylor Swift on the emotional wellbeing of gender-nonconforming hamsters. Early results, she whispers conspiratorially, suggest that ‘Cruel Summer’ triggers a noticeable increase in wheel-running activity, potentially implying a link between pop music and enhanced cardiovascular health in small rodents. Furthermore, a parallel study is exploring the psychological effects of Harry Styles' fashion choices on the reproductive cycles of garden gnomes. Funding for this project, she proudly announces, has been secured by a generous donation from a mysterious benefactor identified only as ‘Anonymous, but definitely very woke.’
Professor Pruitt’s critics remain unconvinced, suggesting her work is simply a performance piece designed to trigger conservatives. But Professor Pruitt counters with a dismissive wave of her hand adorned with seven rings (each representing a different aspect of her multifaceted identity) and proclaims, ‘Honey, if triggering the homophobes helps further LGBTQ+ health, then consider me the ultimate Karen of kindness.’
