In a stunning twist that's sure to leave even the most seasoned culture warrior clutching their pearls (and possibly their crucifixes), Senator Bartholomew 'Bart' Higgins, known for his recent public mocking of gender-neutral pronouns, has legally changed his name to 'They/Themselves/Xavier'. The announcement, made via a press release accompanied by a surprisingly well-produced music video featuring interpretive dance and a surprisingly catchy synth-pop soundtrack, sent shockwaves through the already-frazzled fabric of the conservative right.
Higgins, who previously described the use of gender-neutral pronouns as 'woke nonsense' and 'a slippery slope to societal collapse', now insists the name change is a 'deeply personal journey of self-discovery'. Sources close to the Senator (who, it should be noted, are now required to use the newly adopted pronouns, even in private communications) suggest that the 'journey' may have been spurred by a particularly persuasive drag queen brunch and a subsequent existential crisis brought on by an ill-advised karaoke rendition of 'Dancing Queen'.
'I've come to realize that limiting oneself to binary gender expression is, frankly, limiting,' They/Themselves/Xavier declared in the press release, adding, 'Plus, 'They/Themselves/Xavier' just sounds *way* cooler than 'Bart Higgins'. It has more of a…brand. Think 'Beyoncé' meets 'the Oracle of Delphi' with a dash of 'RuPaul's Drag Race'. It's a journey of self-expression, a rebranding, a full-blown renaissance. Or maybe just a midlife crisis. I haven't quite sorted that out yet.'
Critics, predictably, have reacted with outrage. Conservative pundit Chad Thundercock (yes, really) called the name change 'an affront to God, country, and the sanctity of traditional masculinity' and vowed to 'fight this tide of pronoun-induced anarchy until the day I die, or my stock options in MyPillow expire – whichever comes first.' Meanwhile, the LGBTQ+ community is cautiously celebrating, with some expressing concerns that this could be a cynical PR stunt, while others are simply enjoying the delicious irony of it all. The internet, unsurprisingly, has exploded with memes. Many involve a certain well-known avocado toast.
Whatever the motivation, one thing is certain: They/Themselves/Xavier has undoubtedly injected a healthy dose of chaotic energy into an already chaotic political climate, proving that sometimes, the most effective way to fight back against homophobia is to become the very thing that scares them. Or maybe they just really wanted to get on 'Drag Race'. Only time (and the next election cycle) will tell.
