In a move so shocking it's practically a rainbow-colored unicorn riding a unicycle across a field of glitter, Senator Bartholomew Butterscotch, the man who famously described Pride parades as "a parade of perversion," has launched a new LGBTQ+ charity: 'Saving Our Straight Souls.' The charity, which boasts a logo suspiciously similar to the 'Straight Pride' flag, but with slightly more strategically placed rainbows, aims to "re-educate" the LGBTQ+ community, one awkwardly-phrased pamphlet at a time.
"It's about understanding," Butterscotch explained at a press conference held in a room suspiciously devoid of glitter cannons. "Understanding that, uh, while these…*alternative lifestyles*…may exist, they don't really need all that public attention. So we're here to help them quietly assimilate. Back into the closet, perhaps? Just kidding…mostly. We have really nice pamphlets." Pamphlets, according to sources, include a detailed diagram showing how to best avoid eye contact with same-sex couples and a comprehensive guide to identifying 'suspicious' pronouns.
The charity's fundraising campaign, cheekily titled "Operation Straightjacket," is already causing a stir. It encourages donations via a QR code that, when scanned, plays a loop of Barry Manilow's 'Copacabana' at maximum volume. 'It's undeniably catchy,' said one disgruntled donor, 'like a particularly relentless earworm with a deeply unsettling message.'
Critics have pointed out the glaring irony, with activist group 'Gays Against Senator Butterscotch' calling the initiative "the most wonderfully absurd thing I've ever seen." They’ve launched a counter-campaign: ‘Operation Rainbow Rebellion,’ promising to flood Butterscotch’s office with glitter bombs and Taylor Swift’s entire discography.
Butterscotch remains unfazed. "The gays are going to love this," he confidently declared, adding, "I'm so woke, I'm practically an avocado toast." He then accidentally knocked over a display of rainbow-colored cookies, adding, "Oops, looks like someone's in need of a little...straightening up."
