In a stunning display of… well, let's call it *entrepreneurial spirit*, Pastor Billy Bob Johnson of the 'Holy Roller Revival Tent' has sparked a national debate (and a surprisingly robust candle market). After publicly incinerating a pile of Pride flags – which he described as ‘rainbow-colored symbols of Satan’s glitter-bombing campaign’ – Johnson announced the launch of his new line of ‘Repent-a-licious Rainbow Candles.’
These aren't your average, pastel-hued candles. Oh no. These babies are infused with ‘blessed essential oils’ and feature scents like ‘Holy Lavender,’ ‘Repentance Rosemary,’ and the ever-popular ‘Transfiguration Tangerine.’ Each candle, Johnson claims, burns for exactly 72 hours, conveniently aligning with the number of years Jesus spent… well, we're not entirely sure; God works in mysterious ways.
"The flames of righteousness are purifying," Johnson declared, brandishing a lighter and simultaneously promoting a buy-one-get-one-half-off deal on his website (which inexplicably features a stock photo of a very flamboyant peacock). "But hey, you can still capture that rainbow magic in a less…flamboyant… way!" He added, flashing a surprisingly dazzling smile that might even convert a few non-binary angels.
Social media has exploded with reactions ranging from outrage to bewilderment, with commentators pointing out the delicious irony of profiting from the very symbols he condemned. Queer activists have branded it "the most fabulous act of self-own in history." Others are simply wondering where to get that Transfiguration Tangerine candle – the reviews on Etsy are glowing.
Meanwhile, the ACLU is considering filing a lawsuit – primarily for emotional distress caused by the sheer audacity of it all. It's a chaotic masterpiece of unintended consequences, and frankly, we’re here for it. After all, what's more ‘woke’ than a homophobic pastor accidentally funding Pride through rainbow-colored candle sales? Maybe just a sequel where he starts a drag queen makeup line and names it 'Holy Glow'. We're calling dibs on the name.
