In a stunning turn of events that has sent shockwaves through the heteronormative community, Cuthbert “Cuthbert” Cuthbert, CEO of Cuthbert’s Cuthbert-flavored Cuthberts, accidentally sponsored this year's Pride parade. Sources say Cuthbert, a man whose understanding of LGBTQ+ issues is apparently limited to a poorly-understood meme about ‘the gays taking over’, confused the Pride parade sponsorship package with a ‘Gay Agenda Planner’ he’d ordered from Amazon. He reportedly thought it was a handy little organizational tool to help him schedule his next hunting trip (he's particularly fond of 'queering' the wildlife, which he claims is 'a totally different kind of queer').
The mix-up led to Cuthbert’s Cuthbert-flavored Cuthberts becoming the official snack sponsor of the event, resulting in a deluge of rainbow-colored packaging featuring the company logo alongside the slogan: "Cuthbert’s: Celebrating Pride...accidentally." The ensuing chaos has been described by one attendee as 'a beautiful collision of accidental activism and delicious, suspiciously phallic-shaped snacks.'
Cuthbert, in a statement released through his lawyers (who are currently suing Amazon for ‘false advertising’), expressed his ‘extreme displeasure’ at the situation. He insisted that his sponsorship was purely accidental and that he remains firmly committed to his belief that the only good agenda is a hunting agenda. However, he conceded that the free marketing has been… surprisingly lucrative. Sales of Cuthbert’s Cuthbert-flavored Cuthberts are up a reported 300%, exceeding even the wildest projections of his marketing team – a team that now apparently spends all day trying to decide if the company's new slogan, 'Cuthbert's: Accidentally fabulous,' is 'too woke'.
Meanwhile, LGBTQ+ activists are celebrating the ironic victory, calling it a 'masterclass in accidental allyship' and suggesting that perhaps Cuthbert's accidental sponsorship is a sign that even the most ardent homophobes can't escape the unstoppable tide of rainbow capitalism. One activist, sporting a Cuthbert’s Cuthbert-flavored Cuthberts-branded rainbow fanny pack, succinctly summarized the situation: "Honey, the gays win again! Even if it was by accident."
The incident has sparked a lively debate on the effectiveness of accidental activism, and some are calling for a new type of Pride parade: Pride by Mistake. This would feature floats sponsored by companies that accidentally sponsored the original event. We're already seeing applications from several organizations, ranging from military defense contractors ('We accidentally support equality!') to fertilizer companies ('Oops! We made something really colorful and now people are marching with it!'). Stay tuned.
