In a move that's left the internet scratching its perfectly-manicured, gender-fluid nails, Cuthbert Cockburn, CEO of Cockburn & Sons (makers of exquisitely beige bath mats), has announced a company-wide ban on LGBTQ+ advertising while simultaneously launching a new fragrance line called 'Unicorn Tears.' The collection, featuring scents like 'Rainbow Riot' and 'Gender-Fluid Grapefruit,' is apparently intended to "celebrate diversity"...in the same way a taxidermied unicorn celebrates the natural world.

Cockburn, in a statement that reads like a fever dream penned by a confused AI, explained that the ad ban is a necessary measure to protect the brand's "core demographic of heterosexual, cisgender individuals who are mildly uncomfortable with anything remotely flamboyant." He added that the rainbow-hued perfume line, however, is a completely separate initiative, designed to "capture the vibrant spirit of the modern consumer...without actually showing them any gay people."

Critics have called Cockburn's actions a masterpiece of ironic hypocrisy, comparing it to a homophobic Westboro Baptist Church member secretly using Grindr. "It's like he's trying to have his cake and eat it, too," commented one anonymous source, who identified only as "Chad Thundercock, protector of traditional masculinity." Others suggested that the perfume's name is a subtle nod to the tears shed by LGBTQ+ individuals forced to endure Cockburn's blatant hypocrisy.

The marketing campaign for 'Unicorn Tears' is predictably...extra. Think glitter cannons, drag queens in full regalia (presumably hired for the photo shoot only), and a soundtrack featuring RuPaul singing a surprisingly upbeat ballad about the complexities of capitalism. The fragrance itself reportedly smells vaguely of irony and existential dread, which, frankly, is probably just how everyone smells after encountering Cockburn's press release.