In a shocking twist that has left the internet simultaneously gasping and gagging, Gwyneth Paltrow, purveyor of jade eggs and questionable wellness advice, has announced a complete 180 on her stance towards the LGBTQ+ community. Remember when she subtly implied that gay marriage was somehow impacting the price of kale? Yeah, *those* days are over. Apparently, after a profound encounter with a sentient, gender-fluid cactus during a sound bath retreat in Sedona, Paltrow has undergone a radical transformation, declaring her newfound love for 'all things queer'.

Her latest Goop venture, 'Queer-y Crystal Healing,' promises to align your chakras with the cosmic energies of the rainbow. Sessions involve chanting affirmations like, ‘My aura is fabulous,’ while wearing a crystal-encrusted rainbow harness and sipping adaptogenic kombucha infused with glitter. Naturally, the price point is astronomical; $10,000 per session, or $25,000 if you need a private session featuring Paltrow herself and a guest appearance from a drag queen whose name is just a long string of syllables.

The internet, predictably, is in meltdown. Homophobic trolls are frothing at the mouth, clutching their pearls (which are, ironically, ethically sourced and sustainably harvested), while LGBTQ+ activists are busy debating the appropriate level of irony required to properly mock this whole situation. Some are suggesting we start a GoFundMe to buy Paltrow a one-way ticket to Mars.

Meanwhile, Goop's stock has skyrocketed. Apparently, even the most cynical capitalists recognize that there’s nothing quite like leveraging the LGBTQ+ community's inherent fabulousness for maximum profit. It seems that even Gwyneth Paltrow, queen of questionable wellness, understands the undeniable power of embracing the queer. Or, at the very least, understanding where the money is.