In a stunning twist that's less 'plot twist' and more 'plot aneurysm,' renowned Fox News personality Tucker Carlson has released a new book vehemently decrying gender equality – a book titled, ironically, "Gender Equality is Ruining My Ability to Wear My Flannel Shirts Without Being Questioned: A Conservative's Lament." The 500-page tome (mostly pictures of Tucker in various flannel shirts) argues that gender equality is a slippery slope leading directly to… well, more gender equality.

Carlson, in a recent interview with himself (a move praised by critics as 'boldly meta'), explained that the very fabric of masculinity (literally, the fabric of his flannel shirts) is being eroded by the relentless march of progress. He cited instances where he'd been subtly questioned (by, gasp, *women* and *people who aren't men*) about his choice of attire, claiming the experience left him feeling “emotionally vulnerable” and forced to secretly wear a rainbow-colored unicorn onesie underneath for emotional support.

The book dives deep into the alleged horrors of female empowerment, featuring chapters such as "The Rise of the Pantsuit: A Threat to My Very Existence" and "Avocado Toast: A Feminist Conspiracy to Undermine Traditional Breakfast Values." Early reviews are mixed, with many praising the book's groundbreaking use of bold, italics, and excessive capitalization. Others, however, have voiced concerns about the inclusion of an extensive appendix detailing Carlson's extensive collection of neckties and his preferred method of ironing them.

When asked if he’d considered donating proceeds to a charity promoting gender equality (ironic, we know), Carlson simply choked back a tear, whispered 'patriarchy,' and stormed off to change into a different flannel shirt. This time, perhaps, one subtly emblazoned with a tiny, almost invisible, embroidered unicorn.