In a shocking twist that's less shocking than a Kylie Jenner lip kit launch, conservative talk show host Tucker Carlson has been exposed – not for his questionable views on immigration, but for his surprisingly extensive collection of RuPaul's Drag Race winners. Sources close to the 'straight-laced' broadcaster say his studio, initially believed to be a haven for anti-woke rhetoric, secretly doubles as a glamorous, glitter-bomb-laden safe space for queer icons.
Carlson, known for banning all mention of LGBTQ+ issues from his show (apparently because 'it’s all just too fabulous for primetime'), was caught red-handed having a surprisingly amicable tea party with Bianca Del Rio, Alaska Thunderfuck 5000, and Trixie Mattel. Witnesses reported hearing conversations about the intricacies of contouring, the challenges of finding good wigs in a post-apocalyptic wasteland (a common concern for drag queens and survivalists, apparently), and the merits of various brands of glitter glue. One source even claims to have seen Carlson attempt – and fail spectacularly – a death drop.
When confronted, Carlson denied all accusations with the intensity of a thousand suns, declaring, "This is a blatant attack on my masculinity! I was merely conducting rigorous research for a segment on 'The dangers of excessive sparkle.'" He then mysteriously winked and sashayed away, leaving behind a trail of shimmering pink confetti.
Experts believe this exposé highlights the inherent hypocrisy of certain conservative figures. Professor Delilah De La Crème, a leading scholar in 'Queer Studies and the Unexpected Placement of Sequins,' stated, "It's the ultimate irony – a man who vehemently opposes LGBTQ+ rights secretly builds a community of some of the most iconic queens in the world. It's camp. It’s fabulous. It's also deeply, deeply problematic."
Meanwhile, the internet is ablaze with memes depicting Carlson in full drag, complete with a perfectly sculpted beard and a surprisingly convincing lip sync to "Born This Way." The hashtag #TuckerTucking is currently trending globally. In other news, the price of glitter is expected to skyrocket.
