In a twist more shocking than a Kylie Jenner pregnancy announcement, Pastor Ezekiel ‘Zeke’ Righteous, a man whose sermons previously resembled a Quentin Tarantino film marathon of homophobic pronouncements, officiated a same-sex wedding last Tuesday. The ceremony, held in a surprisingly tasteful yurt decorated with rainbow macramé, saw the union of two beaming grooms, Chad and Brad (yes, really), who reportedly met at a competitive cheese-tasting competition.
Zeke, known for his fiery sermons comparing homosexuality to ‘a particularly nasty strain of athlete’s foot that attacks the soul,’ appeared visibly… flustered. Sources say he accidentally stumbled into the yurt after a misguided GPS attempt to find his estranged niece, who, ironically, is a drag queen known only as 'GlitterBomb.'
The 'accident,' however, spiraled into a full-blown celebration of love and acceptance as Zeke, overwhelmed by the couples' infectious joy and the free kombucha on offer, found himself spontaneously blurting out, “I now pronounce you… wedded!” before collapsing into a pile of his own meticulously-crafted homophobic pamphlets.
While some see this as a divine intervention (a rogue angel with an excellent sense of irony, perhaps?), others are calling it 'the greatest bait-and-switch since the '98 Super Bowl halftime show.' Conservative pundit, Brenda Buttercup (a woman whose only known achievement is owning a cat named Mittens), slammed the event as a ‘blatant attack on the sanctity of marriage’ and demanded Zeke be stripped of his ability to use the word ‘sanctity.’
However, Chad and Brad remain unfazed. ‘We’re just happy to be married,’ Brad gushed, while Chad added, ‘And the kombucha was truly organic. Five stars!’
Zeke, meanwhile, is reportedly undergoing intensive therapy. His therapist, Dr. Phil-omena (a woman with an almost unhealthy obsession with reality TV), believes Zeke might actually be experiencing a 'spiritual awakening,' a diagnosis some find more unbelievable than the entire premise of the movie, ‘The Room.’ One thing’s for sure: This story is more 'woke' than a yoga retreat hosted by Oprah and the Dalai Lama, and significantly more entertaining.
