In a move that has sent shockwaves through the heteronormative bedrock of society (and possibly caused a minor earthquake in Idaho), Ryan Reynolds, the man whose cheekbones could launch a thousand ships (and probably a few Pride parades), has denied rumors of bisexuality while simultaneously joining the wildly popular bisexual dating app, BiCupid.
The internet, naturally, exploded. Conspiracy theories are rampant, ranging from a meticulously crafted PR stunt orchestrated by the shadowy cabal known as 'The Gay Agenda' (allegedly headed by Elton John and a surprisingly competent colony of honeybees) to the more outlandish suggestion that Reynolds is actually a shapeshifting alien from Planet Bi-sexualis, sent here to subtly integrate queerness into mainstream culture.
'I'm as straight as an arrow,' Reynolds declared in a statement released through his publicist (whose name, coincidentally, is Brenda Bisexual – a fact that many are seeing as a highly suspicious plot device). 'I love Blake Lively, and that's that. But BiCupid seemed…fun. Like a really intense game of hide-and-seek, where the prize is a date with someone who appreciates a good pun and also the complexities of the human sexuality spectrum.'
This statement, of course, only fueled the flames. Critics have accused Reynolds of 'performative allyship,' 'queer-baiting,' and 'using bi-erasure for personal gain,' while proponents hail him as a 'brave pioneer' shattering the rigid binaries of modern romance and paving the way for a more fluid, inclusive… dating app experience.
Meanwhile, BiCupid's server traffic has experienced unprecedented spikes, with sources suggesting that the app's user base has doubled, possibly tripled, in the last 24 hours. Apparently, everyone wants a piece of the 'straight' guy who's exploring his bi-curious side. It's an unprecedented level of hetero-flexibility that’s causing existential dread amongst certain groups, and honestly, who can blame them? It's a very complicated situation involving Ryan Reynolds and a dating app, what do you expect?
