Local elementary school teacher, Brenda “Karen” Higgins, known for her staunch belief that dinosaurs are secretly plotting a patriarchal takeover, has launched a full-scale classroom rebellion. Her weapon of choice? A gender-neutral curriculum so inclusive, it’s practically a gender-fluid unicorn petting zoo.

Ms. Higgins, whose Facebook profile picture features her proudly holding a ‘Make America Straight Again’ sign alongside a suspiciously photoshopped image of herself riding a majestic, rainbow-colored unicorn, initially protested the school’s new trans-inclusive policies. She argued that allowing children to express their gender identities would lead to a societal collapse of biblical proportions, or at the very least, an inability to properly alphabetize the class roster.

However, in a surprising twist of irony that would make even Oscar Wilde chuckle, Ms. Higgins’s protest backfired spectacularly. In an attempt to ‘protect’ the children from the evils of gender fluidity, she single-handedly developed a curriculum so outrageously inclusive, it inadvertently embraced gender neutrality with the enthusiasm of a glitter-bomb-loving drag queen.

The new curriculum now features: gender-neutral coloring books depicting unicorns with pronouns embroidered on their hooves; a history lesson claiming Cleopatra was secretly non-binary; and mandatory daily yoga sessions involving interpretive dance routines to RuPaul’s greatest hits.

Parents, already confused by the recent addition of gender-neutral bathrooms (which, according to Ms. Higgins, are breeding grounds for gender-bending communists), are now grappling with the reality that their children are coming home speaking exclusively in unicorn-themed pronouns and demanding gender-affirming glitter-based arts and crafts supplies.

One parent, Chad Thundercock (yes, really), was quoted as saying, “My little Timmy used to play with trucks. Now he’s making a shrine to Beyoncé, and insists on being addressed as 'Sparklyhoof the Magnificent'. I’m starting a GoFundMe to pay for a de-gendering therapy.”

Meanwhile, Ms. Higgins, blissfully unaware of the irony, continues her crusade, convinced she's single-handedly saved the world from the horrors of… well, actually, we’re not quite sure what she’s fighting anymore. But the kids are having a blast, which, frankly, is the true measure of any successful social revolution.