In a stunning display of political acrobatics that would make even a Cirque du Soleil performer blush, Senator Barnaby Butterfield, a man whose understanding of LGBTQ+ issues appears to be limited to a poorly-remembered episode of ‘Will & Grace,’ has achieved the seemingly impossible: simultaneously blocking crucial LGBTQ+ funding while simultaneously launching a lavish scholarship fund specifically for LGBTQ+ students.
The Senator, known for his fondness of tweed jackets and opinions that haven’t been updated since the invention of the rotary phone, announced the baffling move in a press conference overflowing with more contradictions than a Taylor Swift album. While vehemently opposing the original funding proposal, citing concerns about 'fiscal responsibility' (a concept he apparently applies only to bills that benefit marginalized communities), Butterfield simultaneously unveiled the 'Barnaby Butterfield: Champion of… well, mostly me, but also kinda LGBTQ+’ scholarship, funded by… well, that’s still unclear. Rumours range from a surprisingly lucrative side hustle selling NFTs of his own surprisingly mediocre watercolours to a mysterious benefactor only known as 'Chad Thundercock.'
To add to the already head-spinning spectacle, Butterfield appeared at the press conference sporting a rather fetching rainbow cape, which he described as a ‘symbol of freedom of expression,’ before immediately launching into a diatribe against ‘rainbow fascism’ and the 'liberal elite' (a group that apparently includes any individual who has ever eaten a kale smoothie). The cape, according to sources, was purchased from a local Etsy shop run by a non-binary artist using reclaimed materials, further highlighting the bewildering self-contradictions underpinning Butterfield's actions.
Experts are baffled. Leading sociologist, Dr. Prudence Pumpernickel, commented, ‘It’s like watching a train wreck in slow motion, except the train wreck is wearing a rainbow cape and somehow also manages to simultaneously promote and obstruct progress. Honestly, the cognitive dissonance is enough to induce spontaneous combustion in a lesser being.’
Meanwhile, social media is ablaze with memes comparing Butterfield to a particularly flamboyant chameleon, a political tightrope walker on several lines of hallucinogens, and a particularly confused unicorn. The consensus? Someone needs to explain to Barnaby that irony isn't just a word, it's a delicious form of delicious self-sabotaging satire.
