In a move so shocking it’s practically a pride parade of its own, Mayor Mildred McMillan – a woman whose hairstyle suggests a lifelong aversion to anything remotely 'fun' – has vehemently denied supporting Pride while simultaneously unveiling a public art installation that looks like it was vomited up by a unicorn on a sugar rush. The installation, a sprawling, technicolour mess of rainbow-hued metal sculptures, has been dubbed 'Chromatic Chaos' by critics (and anyone with eyes).
McMillan, addressing the bewildered public during a press conference that involved more awkward silences than actual words, stated, "This… this… *thing*… is purely coincidental. I assure you, the vibrant hues have absolutely *nothing* to do with celebrating the LGBTQ+ community. It’s just… vibrant. Very vibrant. Like, aggressively vibrant. Like, if vibrancy were a crime, this would be on death row. I assure you, it's not 'woke'. It's... *over-caffeinated*. My assistant, bless her soul, may have had a little too much Matcha and a very inspiring dream about rainbow sprinkles."
Naturally, the internet exploded. Conspiracy theories range from a secret government initiative to implant subliminal messages promoting same-sex marriage (through the power of iridescent steel, apparently) to the possibility that McMillan herself has secretly undergone a full-blown, glitter-induced awakening. #RainbowGate, #MayorMeltdown, and #AccidentalAlly are currently trending worldwide, alongside various images of the art installation being photoshopped onto the backgrounds of various iconic homophobic movie scenes – because the internet is delightful and dark.
Meanwhile, local drag queen supreme, Bobbie Pinz, has announced a ‘Chromatic Chaos’ themed drag brunch. Tickets are apparently selling like hotcakes – or, perhaps more accurately, like rainbow-colored, gender-fluid, ethically-sourced, vegan hotcakes. It seems even a vehemently anti-Pride mayor can't stop the unstoppable force that is the LGBTQ+ community's knack for turning even the most accidental acts of 'support' into full-blown celebrations. This, my friends, is the true meaning of pride.
