In a stunning turn of events that has the internet in a frenzy of glitter and outrage, Chad Thundercock, star quarterback for the perpetually losing 'Patriots' (no relation to the *other* Patriots, thank goodness), has refused to wear his team's Pride jerseys. His reasoning? Apparently, the subtle pastel hues clashed with his ‘intense masculinity’ – a masculinity so intense, it apparently spontaneously combusts in the presence of anything remotely resembling joy or acceptance.

But in a twist more shocking than a Kylie Jenner hair color change, Chad’s rejection hasn't resulted in the expected wave of angry letters from disappointed fans. Instead, it launched ‘Gay-laxy,’ a billion-dollar rainbow-themed athletic wear brand. The line includes everything from shimmering tutus for weightlifting to sequined jock straps endorsed by RuPaul himself (the deal, sources say, was finalized with a single, perfectly executed death drop).

Chad, sporting a flamboyant rainbow-sequined onesie during his Gay-laxy press conference, stated, "I may not be able to tolerate rainbows on my football jersey, but I sure as hell can tolerate them plastered all over my ridiculously profitable line of athletic gear!" He then proceeded to do a surprisingly graceful cartwheel, proving that true masculinity lies not in rejecting inclusivity but in mastering the art of the dramatic entrance.

Critics, predictably, are having a meltdown. One commentator on Fox News went so far as to suggest that Gay-laxy’s success was a result of ‘liberal indoctrination’ and ‘the decline of Western civilization,’ adding, with a slightly baffled expression, that he really liked Chad's new 'fabulous' headband.

The success of Gay-laxy has some questioning whether homophobia is less about hate and more about a severe lack of entrepreneurial savvy. Perhaps, in the face of this dazzling, billion-dollar display of rainbows and profit, the only truly straight line is the one going straight to the bank.