In a stunning display of judicial irony that's left legal scholars scratching their perfectly manicured, gender-neutral beards, Judge Reginald Hardwick, known for his staunchly traditionalist views, denied a non-binary individual's request for gender marker change on their driver's license. The reason? Apparently, the judge found the concept of 'non-binary' too 'existentially threatening to the very fabric of spacetime.' This, of course, came just minutes before Judge Hardwick announced his own transition – not to female, or male, but to 'Attack Helicopter.'

Sources close to the courthouse report the judge's new chosen pronoun is 'Pew.' When questioned about this rapid and unexpected shift in personal identity, Judge Hardwick (or should we say, 'Pew') merely stated, "The system is rigged, and I'm taking it down – one Apache-style strafing run at a time." Legal experts are baffled, with one prominent lawyer commenting, "It's like... they've gone full-on 'Matrix' but instead of choosing the red pill, they chose a Harrier Jump Jet. And it's somehow relevant to the legal case."

The denied non-binary individual, Kai, responded with characteristic grace: "Look, I'm just trying to get my license so I can legally drive my Tesla to Pride. Judge Pew's decision is... perplexing, to say the least. Though I do admire their commitment to unconventional self-expression. Maybe they'll let me ride shotgun in their new helicopter-persona? Free pizza and excellent views, I hear."

This unprecedented event has sparked a furious debate across social media. #JudgePew is trending, alongside #AttackHelicopterJustice and #NonBinaryRights. Meanwhile, the American Bar Association is reportedly considering adding 'Attack Helicopter' to its list of accepted gender identities, just in case this kind of thing becomes a trend. Stay tuned, folks – this one's going to be a wild ride.