In a stunning twist that's less 'science' and more 'divine intervention gone wrong', renowned heterosexual scientist Dr. Chad Thundercock has published a groundbreaking (and wildly contradictory) paper titled, 'Why LGBTQ+ People Shouldn't Exist...Actually, They're Everywhere...And They're Gods'. Dr. Thundercock, known for his previously homophobic pronouncements comparing same-sex marriage to 'cats riding bicycles – unnatural and frankly terrifying', initially set out to 'prove' the dangers of LGBTQ+ research. However, his meticulously flawed methodology (involving a Ouija board, several bottles of cheap tequila, and a single, very confused hamster named Beyoncé) instead yielded an unexpected result: the existence of seventy-two genders, each with its own unique set of pronouns, and a powerful, mythical being who rides a unicorn and dispenses glitter-based wisdom. This deity, according to Dr. Thundercock's findings, demands we immediately establish a national holiday celebrating gender fluidity and the importance of wearing sequined jumpsuits.

'It was…unexpected,' admitted a flustered Dr. Thundercock during an impromptu press conference held in a glitter-bomb-decorated lab. 'My hypothesis was that gay people were a threat to the fabric of society. What I discovered instead is that the fabric of society is made entirely of rainbows, unicorns, and the unwavering belief that everyone should own a pair of fabulous stilettos.'

Critics (mostly other straight scientists still stuck in the dark ages of 'binary thinking') have dismissed Dr. Thundercock’s study as 'utter nonsense' and 'a hallucination induced by excessive tequila consumption.' However, TikTok has already embraced the findings, with countless users crafting elaborate dance routines to celebrate the 72 new genders. Furthermore, sales of sequined jumpsuits have skyrocketed, proving that even in the face of scientific absurdity, capitalism always finds a way. Dr. Thundercock is currently accepting applications for an intern to help him decipher the unicorn's next prophecy, ideally someone fluent in glitter-based communication and experienced in interpretive dance. Applicants must submit a personal essay outlining their feelings on gender as a social construct and whether or not they prefer their unicorns pink or purple. No previous experience with tequila is required but a fondness for the stuff is strongly encouraged.