In a stunning display of scientific denialism that would make even a flat-earther blush, Professor Quentin Quibble, a man whose hairline suggests a protracted battle with the realities of aging, has announced the non-existence of LGBTQ+ individuals. Instead, he proposes a revolutionary new term: "Cis-tematically Oppressed."

Professor Quibble, whose groundbreaking research primarily involves meticulously counting grains of sand on Brighton beach, claims that anyone identifying outside the traditional binary is merely experiencing a severe case of "identity-fluid delusion." He backs this up with a PowerPoint presentation featuring charts depicting a correlation between rainbow-colored sprinkles and decreased cognitive function (the sprinkles, he insists, are the culprit).

"These so-called 'LGBTQ+' individuals," Quibble sputtered during a press conference punctuated by awkward silences and the occasional cough, "are simply victims of societal programming, manipulated by the shadowy cabal of… well, rainbows. And glitter. Definitely glitter."

His new term, "Cis-tematically Oppressed," is intended to encompass all non-cisgender individuals, arguing they’re secretly yearning for the patriarchal comfort of traditional gender roles, but are being prevented from returning to the fold by what he calls a "woke-induced Stockholm Syndrome." He's even developed a revolutionary new therapy – involving prolonged exposure to episodes of 'Father Knows Best' and a strict diet of beige food – to cure this affliction.

While the scientific community has overwhelmingly ridiculed Quibble's claims (the peer-review process consisted solely of him nodding vigorously at his own paper), his findings have been lauded by certain corners of the internet, particularly those known for their fondness of mayonnaise-based conspiracy theories and poorly-photoshopped images of Beyoncé. One prominent commentator, identifying only as 'Chad Thundercock 69,' hailed Quibble as 'a true patriot, fighting the good fight against the woke agenda.'

Meanwhile, several LGBTQ+ activists have announced plans to counter Quibble’s claims with a compelling counter-argument: a flash mob featuring interpretive dance and copious amounts of glitter. The battle for the hearts and minds of the public, it seems, will be decided not in the laboratory, but on the dance floor – a battlefield Professor Quibble likely isn't prepared for. He's allergic to glitter, you see.