In a shocking twist that has sent ripples of confusion (and frankly, mild terror) through the heteronormative community, country music legend Dolly Parton has publicly denounced the use of gender-neutral pronouns, calling them "a dang ol' infringement on the sanctity of traditional gender roles." Simultaneously, sources close to the singer reveal she's secretly bankrolling 'The Testosterone Terrors,' a flamboyant drag choir whose performances involve interpretive dance routines referencing the works of Judith Butler and spontaneous interpretive readings of the IRS tax code.
"It's all about balance, honey," a source, who wished to remain anonymous but described herself only as 'a very fabulous accountant,' confided in this reporter. "Dolly believes in preserving the classics, but also embracing...well, a whole lot of glitter and fabulousness. She's even considering adding a gender-fluid banjo player to her band. She calls it 'expanding the sonic spectrum.' I call it a glorious, chaotic explosion of sequins and subversion."
Parton's recent hit, "Jolene (They/Them Version)," a reimagining of her classic tune that incorporates non-binary pronouns and a surprisingly catchy synth solo, has already garnered both fervent praise from LGBTQ+ advocates and angry letters from men named Chad who believe that "true country music" is only made by men with beards who exclusively sing about trucks and heartbreak (preferably caused by infidelity).
This dual approach has left critics baffled. "Is she a genius or a deeply disturbed mastermind?" asks conservative pundit Tucker Carlson, who, curiously, was seen sporting a sequined cowboy hat and lip gloss during a recent interview. We are still unable to confirm if the lip gloss was a Dolly Parton endorsement.
Regardless of Parton's true motivations, one thing is clear: the gender binary just got a whole lot more sparkly, complicated, and frankly, a little frightening for those who prefer their gender roles neatly defined by outdated societal norms. And that, my friends, is truly something to sing about. Perhaps even with a gender-neutral banjo.
