In a move so shocking it's practically kaleidoscopic, Texas state representative Dwayne “Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson Jr.” (no relation, apparently – the disappointment was palpable in the press conference) has simultaneously introduced a bill effectively stripping LGBTQ+ individuals of their rights *and* adopted twin boys, Leo and Kevin, who, according to sources “have a vibrant and visible relationship that would make even Cher blush.”
The bill, dubbed the “Heteronormativity Now! Act,” aims to revert Texas to a time when rainbows were merely meteorological phenomena and not symbols of defiant joy. Johnson, in a press conference peppered with more awkward silences than a first date with a mime, insisted the two events are entirely unrelated. “My new sons are… uh… *exceptionally* heterosexual in their… uh… *potential*,” he stammered, before accidentally referring to them as “my little drag queens in training.”
Critics have pointed out the blatant hypocrisy, drawing parallels to that time Chad from accounting claimed to be fighting climate change while simultaneously hoarding 20-year-old plastic water bottles. One activist, wearing a sparkly unicorn onesie, declared, “This is like saying you’re against vaccines but regularly inject yourself with positivity! It makes no sense! It's like... *peak* irony… or maybe peak… I don’t know... something peak!”
Meanwhile, Leo and Kevin have reportedly begun to integrate their father’s political views into their daily lives, demanding that their play dates only include children who identify as cisgender and heterosexual. They have, however, requested their father reconsider the bill, citing its potential to negatively impact their future college applications and their chances of joining a high-level synchronized swimming team.
The story ends not with a bang, but with a suspiciously loud click of heels, followed by a chorus of children’s laughter and the faint smell of glitter… and possibly some high-end designer dog harnesses. The investigation into whether the children are actually advanced AI designed to infiltrate conservative circles continues.
